Guardian Angels
I never believed in guardian
angels – until March 2007. That’s when
my world as I knew it fell apart.
Until then, I thought I could
handle anything. But weird things were
happening under my nose, things I would never have imagined. In retrospect, I wish I had the knowledge I
have now without the first-hand experience.
I encourage anyone reading these words to have the courage to do now,
for your loved one, what I couldn’t do then: take the “tough love” approach to
addiction.
On the first Sunday in March
2007, I asked my son to go with us to the local convenience store to view a
videotape of someone who may have used my ATM card to get cash twice in the
past few weeks. My beautiful boy, now a
20-year-old man, looked me fearfully in the eyes and told me he was addicted to
heroin.
At first, I thought he was
joking. My beautiful boy, the son who I
had raised to be honest, giving and honorable, was telling me he had stolen
from me to keep up his habit so he would not have to undergo the sickness that
comes with withdrawal.
My world crumbled in that
instant. My stomach swirled in nausea,
threatening to make me hurl into the nearest trash can. My beautiful boy, my son, lay in his bed and
looked up at me with doe-eyes that reflected all the fear in the world. His
fear was the disappointment he created in me. My fear
was that he could die.
Since then, our lives have
been the worst roller coaster ride you can imagine. It’s now July 2009 and we (not just he, because
addiction is a family disease) have been through five rehab programs, an
overdose scare, the court system, jail, a three-quarter-house program, and now
another long-term rehab program. All the while, we have supported him in
recovery and most importantly, he wants
recovery!
What
could we have done differently? Probably nothing. When we first discovered he was drinking we
grounded him, took away driving privileges – all the right things parents
should do. We involved him in individual
counseling and family counseling. We
enlisted support and help from school administrators, police, coaches, teachers
and counselors. One consolation is that
had we not taken these steps, things may have been much worse.
What did we see but didn’t
face head on? When his core group of friends changed in 9th grade to
kids of whom we didn’t wholly approve, we chalked it up to exposure to new
people. When we found marijuana in his
room, we didn’t think of it as a “gateway” drug. When his grades steadily declined, we
explained it away to general teenage apathy.
We didn’t link them all together.
What
did we see but didn’t want to admit? His avoidance of family traditions,
changes in physical appearance and a steady decline of interest in school,
academics, and athletics. These are all prime indicators of substance abuse but
shame, embarrassment and guilt (for not being “perfect” parents) kept us from seeing the truth.
What
has hindsight taught us? First and foremost, we should have trusted our gut
instincts. If you feel that you are
being lied to or manipulated, trust your gut.
I should have when the hairs on my neck stood up, when the swirling in
my stomach made me lightheaded and when those two combined made be break out in
a cold sweat and shake. You trusted your
gut when they were much younger and you sensed a situation was potentially
harmful to them: “Don’t touch the stove – hot!” It’s no different now that your
children are older.
We now know we should have
trusted our guts are when we noticed:
·
Change in friends
·
Lack of interest
in school or other activities
·
Apathy toward
family or disinterest in family life
·
One or more minor
in possession charges (MIPs)
Parents: Don’t let any of the
following keep you from taking action
now!
·
Guilt – For not
being perfect parents.
·
Embarrassment –
How can this be happening in my house, my family?
·
Shame – What will
people think? Will they think we are bad
parents?
·
Denial – If we
don’t admit it, maybe it will go away.
We’ve learned many things
over the past years and with the help of a support group called Families
Anonymous, and have come to accept that we can’t change the past. Participation in this group has given us
strength and knowledge, such as the importance of the early signs of abuse or
addiction. We now know these lists are so
important! They are not meaningless
rhetoric.
As for that guardian
angel…I’m not playing into any religious beliefs or trying to push anything on
anybody. I’m not an
every-Sunday-church-going person, but I do believe in a Higher Power. And I do believe that to each person their
own Higher Power is something different.
My Higher Power is God, but beyond that, I also believe my Higher Power
assigns a guardian angel to each of us.
My guardian angel is my baby
brother, who died when he was 2 years old from complications of Spina bifida. I
believe he is in heaven watching out for me.
As for my son, I believe with
my whole heart and soul that his best friend, who died when they were 14 years
old in a tragic traffic accident, is his guardian angel. I don’t know why, and I can’t explain
it. All I know is that someone up there
is looking out for my beloved son—who’s had more than one brush with death—and
has protected him.
We lost my dear cousin to a
heroin overdose in June 2009. Could it
have been prevented? Who knows? She attempted but was unable to achieve
recovery. But she had a good soul and I
believe she is now a guardian angel, looking out for our loved ones who
struggle with addiction so that with her help they may find the strength she
sought.
Thanks to Mark, Rick, Rory,
Linda, Margaret, Cheryl, George, Scott, Lisa, C.A.R.E., our friends at Families
Anonymous and Families Against Narcotics, who are always there for us and have
helped us find the strength to get through these very difficult times. A
special thanks to my husband who is the rock of my life and my mother, my
living guardian angel on earth.
A Mom just trying to make a
difference in one family’s life, to Pay It Forward