I grew up in a middle-class home residing with my mother and younger sister. My mother was very family-oriented, so I was quite close with her side of the family. Growing up I didn't go without much, but as soon as my wants were fulfilled, I again experienced the feeling of constant dissatisfaction. As a child or teenager, wanting for nothing, being surrounded by family and friends seems like not so bad of a life. For me, love, acceptance and material things were never enough. I had this void inside, a feeling of never being whole. No matter what, the void could not be fulfilled until I filled it with drugs and alcohol. For once I felt complete; an escape from reality.
I was manipulative, self-serving, and a thief at a very young age. Pre-teen was the very first time I fed my body any mood- or mind-altering substance. Having a drink during holidays was accepted by my family. Around the age of 12, I started to experiment with marijuana and tried my very first narcotic. Shortly after starting high school, I began going to parties, hung out with an older crowd, and at this time my drinking and drug use escalated extensively. During my teens, I couldn't see the negativity. I held a job, I paid the few bills that I had, people still wanted to be around me at this point. In my mind, I was just living life and having a good time. Late teens and early twenties I started using narcotic painkillers extremely heavily. I was in such denial because I thought I could stop on my own at any time, I just didn't have the desire to. Keeping up with my pill habit became quite expensive; this is when I thought heroin would be a better option to continue this delusional "party" I thought I was having. Heroin took me down a long, morbid, dark road. I experienced many firsts, hurt many people, harmed myself and caused disaster wherever I was.
My mental state was focused on my fueled addiction and nothing was going to stand in my way. In 2011, I was beyond desperate, completely hopeless; my thought at that time was that I was going to die a heroin addict. I didn't know what else to do, I didn't know how to live. It was me and heroin against the world. At the end of 2011 I ended up in a jail cell facing 3 felonies and 2 misdemeanors. I spent a few months in jail, was sentenced to inpatient treatment, and Macomb County Adult Drug Court. I fell down a little bit when I got home in February 2012; I tested positive for suboxone. As soon as I blinked my eyes, I was back in a jail cell for a weekend sanction per Drug Court, plus increased random weekly testing. Reality set in hard, I knew I had to do something different and I could no longer do this on my own. I was digging my own grave trying to conquer addiction on my own will.
March 3, 2013 I will proudly have 1 year of sobriety. I'm an active member of a 12 step program and I have worked extremely hard to be where I am today. Today I can say I'm a good daughter, friend and member of society. At times it still amazes me the person I am today. To be trusted, loyal, looked up to by others, there's no greater feeling in the world. Others helped me get to where I am today and that's my goal, to share what I have, a spiritually fit mind and body, with the obsession of using, lifted. I look forward to the life ahead of me; my options are endless. With the loving, forgiving and caring God I have in my life today I can overcome life's twists and turns and face my fears. I am forever grateful for this second chance at life that I have!